We know more than any generation of parents before us. Why are we still not OK?
- Cassandra is Tired
- Feb 23
- 8 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Clinical psychiatrist Dr. Jean Clinton is a leading expert on the brain development of children and adolescents, and a staunch advocate for child well-being. In this exclusive interview, she explains why collecting all the parenting research on earth is still not the same as having a village outside your front door.
TL;DR
Dr. Jean Clinton, one of Canada's leading child neurodevelopmental researchers and psychiatrists, is clear on the evidence: The most important thing a parent can have to raise healthy, well-adjusted children is the presence of community around the family, regardless of who's inside the home.
This is not about single or coupled parents. Research shows only about a third of caregiver-infant interactions need to be perfectly attuned for healthy development. What the brain actually requires, in every household configuration, is to have a close, dependable village.
Having peer-reviewed research is helpful, but it's not easing our anxiety. We don't need more information, we need to ensure we're not raising children in isolation.
On emotional literacy versus emotional experience
Q: My generation has the vocabulary, the therapy, the awareness to model for their kids, yet I'm noticing children who have all the language for emotional literacy but still can't regulate. Why is there a disconnect?
A: Having language for emotion is terrific, but that's different from allowing and feeling the emotion. I've seen many kids who are very well spoken, but are emotionally years behind their language ability. When your child is hurt, the instinct is to find out what's wrong and fix it. But what's needed first is: "How does that feel? Where do you feel it?" The body-mind connection is imperative. You have to teach them to sit with their feelings for a second, because as parents you want to move on to a solution, but that second really matters.
On parenting for a future we can't anticipate
Q: We were raised on linear progress: study hard, get a good job, buy a house. Those markers have more or less vanished for younger generations. How do we foster competence in our children when we no longer know what the markers of success will be in 5-10 years?
A: The brains of parents like yourself have been altered by their circumstances, too. Uncertainty has now been built into your DNA. Being exposed to uncertainty builds the brain in ways that simply having a "sense of knowing" does not. So the definition of success becomes the definition of who you are, not what you do, how much money you make or how big your house is. That means what can be fostered and cultivated, no matter what your circumstances, are care for others, empathy, resilience in the face of uncertainty. These characteristics are admirable and helpful and help rebuild after difficult times.
There is an Indigenous story that in times of great disruption, the children will make us well. It's worth building together, through relationships, through caring for others. To reflect on what's happening instead of just reacting.
On raising kind children in a cruel world
Q: On a completely related note, we're watching dark triad personalities have a real moment. They're abusing power without accountability and rules seem to be arbitrarily distributed. We don't want to lie to our kids, but we also don't want to teach them that compassion is a liability. How do we have that conversation?
A: You have conversations depending on the developmental stage of the child. What you expose a four-year-old to is very different from what you expose a 14-year-old to. But it's important not to shield them from dismay. Kids need to learn how to deal with rupture in relationships so they learn about repair, and understand that rupture and repair is a typical thing.
It's important to be saying: "We're living in a very frightening time. We don't know how it's all going to turn out, but there's a constant in our life and that's us. There will always be us.
When it comes to dealing with bullies at school, the idea that "I am a person who has a right to be safe" also gives them a different perspective. When a child knows they are a rights-bearing individual, they can have a different conversation with the child who bullies. It may not change the bully's behaviour – we still don't have good strategies for that – but if your child can say: "This is wrong, it is hurting me, and I have many other things in my life telling me I'm a good person," that is a form of protection. It can be applied to what's happening more broadly in the world or to the schoolyard.
On the neuroscience of family and community
Q: Your work emphasizes that a child's brain development is a relationship project built on connection. In a city like Toronto, where the village has been priced out and families are becoming increasingly atomized (regardless of how many people there are in the home) what does that isolation actually do to the developmental environment?
A: It depends. It depends very much on how that primary caregiver is managing their stress and how supported they are. Good parenting should be enough, but not sufficient and certainly not optimal. What I would hope parents would take from this is don't be alone.
Q: You've drawn a distinction I want to press on: that parenting without enough support or anyone to talk about your parenting with doesn't necessarily disappear if you have a partner. Can you say more about that?
A: I'm kind of hyper-focused on connection to others for the parents' wellbeing, because as the parent is well, it's much more likely that the little one will be well. Parenting on your own is one thing, but having people you can talk to about parenting is hugely important. We are not built to be alone. It's crucial parents don't think they can do this alone.
Q: I ran an informal survey of Gen X/Millennial parents and almost all respondents described their community as fragile and inconsistent rather than safe and sustaining. A lot of the respondents have partners and full social calendars, but deep down admitted these bonds are more superficial than they would like. I worry we're passing that fragility on to our children, because they pick up on what we do and feel and not just what we say.
A: This specific area is not directly within my core expertise. That said, I do think this is an important issue to illuminate – particularly the isolation of parents that you so thoughtfully describe.
Research, including the work of Sarah Blaffer Hardy, suggests that in order to develop mutual understanding and empathy, babies benefit from contact with multiple caregivers –what are often referred to as “allomothers.” While babies raised primarily by one adult can certainly develop normally, the research indicates they may not develop as optimally as those who are embedded in a richer social context.
So what does this mean in the scenarios you describe? I think, at a societal level, it calls us to more deeply value both children and parenthood. Social isolation — particularly among women with young children — poses a risk to both the child and the parent. This is not only because of reduced relational input, but also due to the increased likelihood of depression and anxiety that can come from feeling marginalized, unsupported, or overwhelmed.
What you are describing, especially in terms of the numbers you’re seeing, could represent a broader public health concern if it is generalizable. Bringing attention to this is meaningful and important work.
On a more hopeful note, when I spoke with people close to me, they emphasized the importance of being very intentional about creating deep and meaningful relationships with other families who share similar values. This can look like reaching out to people you meet in places like preschool or community settings and making the effort to build something more consistent and supportive over time. I’ve seen this done successfully in many different circumstances.
It’s also important to remember that it’s okay to build your own “village” within your existing friendships and communities, even if it doesn’t look traditional. And when support is offered, accepting it matters. Connection doesn’t have to be perfect or expansive to be meaningful; it simply needs to be real and nurtured.
Download the Parenting While Rome Burns playbook on "How to build the village we were supposed to have."
FURTHER READING
Lauren B. Adamson, Janet E. Frick, "The Still Face: A History of a Shared Experimental Paradigm." The Official Journal of the International Congress of Infant Studies.
Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold, "The Power of Discord."
Mary Gordon, "Roots of Empathy."
Bruce Perry, "Neurosequential Model of Stress & Resilience."
Public Health Agency of Canada, "Early Childhood Development."
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Does having a partner mean your children have what they need developmentally?
Not automatically. The variable Dr. Clinton keeps returning to is not the number of caregivers in the household, it's the degree to which those caregivers are supported by community outside it. A partnered parent with no real community around them is in functionally the same developmental position as a single parent with no community. The brain's requirement is not a second adult in the house; it's adults who are not operating in isolation.
Clinton cites Ed Tronick's Still Face research to show that attuned interaction only about a third of the time is the baseline for healthy development. What puts that baseline at risk is not imperfect attunement; it's the chronic stress of parenting without support, and that stress is available to coupled and single parents alike.
What does "rupture and repair" mean and why does it matter?
Rupture refers to moments of disconnection — arguments, misattunement, loss of temper. Repair is re-establishing connection afterward. Clinton's point is that children don't need perfect parents; they need parents who model that ruptures can be repaired, and that disconnection is not permanent. She references Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold's The Power of Discord on this.
A parent who loses their temper and genuinely repairs that rupture with their child afterward is teaching something more durable than a parent who never loses their temper at all.
How do you build resilience in children when you can't predict what they'll need it for?
Clinton's answer is character over credentials. Compassion, empathy, care for others, and the capacity to sit with uncertainty are resilience-builders that transfer across scenarios. She also makes the neurodevelopmental point that being exposed to uncertainty builds the brain in ways that certainty doesn't.
Why isn't gentle parenting enough if cruelty is still showing up in the classroom?
Clinton was careful not to critique gentle parenting specifically. She noted that she doesn't know enough about it to be able to do that. What she was clear about is the expression of anger, and learning to recognize and name anger in yourself and others, is crucially important. Whatever the parenting style, children need emotional range. She also cited Mary Gordon's Roots of Empathy as a model for school-based emotional development done well.
How do you talk to children about a frightening world without lying to them?
Clinton's framework is developmental stage plus relational anchoring. What you expose a four year old to is categorically different from what you expose a 14 year old to. At every age, honesty is more protective than false reassurance. The anchor is the relationship. A good thing to say is: "We are living in a frightening time. We don't know how it's going to turn out. But there is a constant — and that is us. There will always be us."
What can families do when they have each other but still feel isolated?
Having a household is not the same as having community, and Clinton is unambiguous that the latter is what the brain requires. Her practical suggestions include accessing structured community spaces, like early years centres or libraries, where the infrastructure for connection already exists. Her consistent emphasis is that as long as the parent is well, the child is more likely to be well and that wellbeing requires more people than fit inside one home.
Cassandra is Tired
Writer · Exhausted Toronto Parent
Angry interview conducted in April 2026 over Zoom, with a follow-up email to address the last question.
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